Blackhawks News

Stuck on You II: The Sedin Twins

By Jeffrey Bartl

I came across Fanhouse’s Adam Gretz’s countdown of the Top 50 NHL players and read his take on Patrick Kane, whom Gretz slotted at No. 47. I then vomited a bit in my mouth when I viewed Gretz’s most recent post: No. 21 — The Sedin Twins.

I’m sorry, but this is really starting to get out of hand. It’s like the sequel to Stuck on You with Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear, and even the damn media is buying into it. We can’t even have countdown lists without putting these two idiots together. What’s more is that one of them doesn’t even have the decency to lend a hand to society by simply picking up a damn razor and shaving so we can at least attempt to tell them apart.

I mean, I’m all for brothers having a close relationship. I think it’s phenomenal. But we’re bordering on disorder here, and no one is helping. Everyone thinks it’s cute and unique and ground-breaking that Daniel and Henrik Sedin have done every single thing in their lives together. What do I think? I think it’s pathetic and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Let’s run this whole incestuous saga down to the core.

Sept. 26, 1980 — Daniel and Henrik are born… together.

(Insert 18-plus years of playing hockey and doing every other daily activity… together.)

June 26, 1999 — Then-Vancounver Canucks GM Brian Burke puts together a series of trades leading up to the draft to land the No. 2 and No. 3 picks. Burke selects the twins, then walks to the podium to share the news.  Burke even announced the two selections in one damn statement. Daniel and Henrik are drafted… together.

(Insert 10 years of the Sedin twins having nearly identical statistics while playing hockey… together.)

July 1, 2009 — Vancouver signs Daniel and Henrik to identical 5-year, $30.5-million contracts … together.

Aug. 2, 2009 — Jeff Bartl pukes reading Gretz’s post about the Sedin twins.

(Oh, and I refuse to capitalize “twins” in “Sedin twins” like they’re the damn First Family. I am taking a stand against all of this over-capitalizing when it comes to these two jackasses.)

And you know what really chaps my ass? They’re good. They’re really good. And I think that’s why I hate them and everyone who praises them (together) even more. I have to tell you, watching these two skate off the ice after Kane’s Game 6, series-clinching hat trick in the Western Conference Semifinals made my face hurt from smiling so much.

Now we have to suffer another season of the media and NHL drooling over talent that looks exactly the same. Cue up Hollywood for Stuck on You II.

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