God, I hate the Red Wings: Commies 3, ‘Hawks 2

By Jeffrey Bartl

I’m actually somewhat happy with the Blackhawks performance tonight in their 3-2 loss to the Cocksuckers. They were short-handed with every forward in the organization sitting out, John Madden playing the 2nd line (I hope we don’t have to get used to that) and had some great opportunities that will be converted (hopefully) as the season progresses. The only thing that chaps my ass is the 1:53 of 5-on-3 they missed in the 2nd period, which seemed to shift momentum toward The Communists.

Kris Versteeg and Patrick Sharp are becoming quite a little tandem out there. But once again the Red Wings got a bullshit goal and Chris Osgood seems to snuff out every scoring chance when he’s facing the ‘Hawks.

I just can’t see how people can wake up in the morning, get their morning coffee, drive to work with a smile on their face and live their lives happily being a Red Wings fan. I mean for Christ’s sake, the owner is the founder of fucking Little Caesars. You know Little Caesars. The $5 pizzas in K-Mart. Yeah, that Little Caesars. There are so many other things in this world I would rather do than be a Red Wings fan.

In fact, fuck it — I’m going to tell you five things I’d rather do than be a Red Wings fan. These are in no particular order:

  1. I’d rather drink Ron Jeremy’s bath water.
  2. I’d rather watch Judge Dredd on loop for a week.
  3. I’d rather watch Daniel and Henrik Sedin play a game of nipple twist for two hours.
  4. I’d rather sleep in Adam Burish’s hockey bag for a night — zipped.
  5. I’d rather have sex with Oprah.

All of that seems a hell of a lot more logical than being an asshole Red Wings fan.

Anyway, Ben Eager was placed on IR before the game tonight. Really neat. Man, that depth at forward now looks about as deep a teaspoon of water. Poop.

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