(Note: These next 10 items are not truthful. Do not take them as fact.)
- David Backes was hailed for saving some local dogs during the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. It’s believed he may have eaten one or all of them afterward.
- Ryan Reaves lives in a dumpster behind the local Purina building, which is within shouting distance of Scottrade Center (that second point is true). Reportedly, Blackhawks forward Brandon Mashinter is considering bunking with Reaves for each game in St. Louis.
- Vladimir Tarasenko is the love child of Roger Federer and Karl Marx.
- Colton Parayko is some Blues fans’ answer to Duncan Keith. This would only make sense if Keith donated to science the part of his brain that allows him to play NHL-caliber defense.
- Ken Hitchcock has called St. Louis-area Arby’s restaurants to see if they’d like him to represent the company in TV commercials.
- The U.S.-born players on this team know less English than Magnus Paajarvi’s pet dog.
- Brian Elliott has recurring dreams in which he swims in increasingly strange places, such as a kitchen sink, the Nile River and his goal crease.
- Patrik Berglund has reportedly missed time due to injury, but the team actually suspended him until he relented on their request to put a “c” in his first name. Once ownership realized the team couldn’t score, Berglund suddenly returned to action.
- Backes has always believed the “C” on his jersey stands for “sorcerer,” as he’s really into dark magic. No one has had the heart to tell him the truth (that it doesn’t stand for sorcerer, and that sorcerer doesn’t start with a “c”), so he’s served as the team’s captain all this time. He often tries to curse officials for giving him minor penalties four seconds after an opponent has scored.
- Blues fans’ inane powerplay dance has results in 10 paternity suits, five broken arms, three punctured lungs, two cracked ribs and a partridge in a pear tree.
And there you have it: The all-important rundown of the Blackhawks’ first-round playoff opponent in the Blues. This series gets underway Wednesday at 8:30 p.m. in Scottrade Center, and the game can be seen on NBC Sports Network. They stay in St. Louis for Game 2 on Friday before shifting to Chicago for Games 3 and 4 on Sunday and Tuesday, respectively.