Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should


Most folks are looking at this latest Patrick Kane incident the wrong way. I’ll try to summarize. Should he be able to live his life? Should he be able to chase every bit of tail in Chicago? Should he be able to drink himself to the ER, get into fights, stiff the cabbie, or strip naked in a limo?

It doesn’t matter. That’s not the point. And as long as he’s an NHL superstar, the point is this: he’s being a fucking idiot and putting his CAREER at risk by doing this shit. Furthermore, he’s risking disappointing Blackhawks fans who expect him to be with the team for another 4 years. Let me explain.

Let’s say Twinkie McBoobjob comes on to Kaner at a bar, makes it known that there’s a vacancy between her legs, and he invites her back to his place. What Kane doesn’t know (and what he has NO POSSIBLE WAY of knowing) is that there’s a Pavel Datsyuk jersey hanging in Twinkie’s closet at home, and she’s just been released from a mental ward. Then late that night after the Englebert Humperdinck CD had ended… He has two achilles tendons, she has a nine-inch hunting knife. Career = over.

This latest incident is exactly what I’m talking about. All this little bimbo did was snap some pictures. The list of what she could have done to the 6-million-dollar man while he was snoring away with a sticky schnitzel is too scary to mention. And did Kaner think of any of this while he was bumpin’ and squirtin’ with Chicago’s most famous Hockey Ho? Not a chance.

Cavorting around like this may be a blast, and yes, he has every right to. But there’s a lesson that some people never learn in their entire lives, and it goes a little like this: just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Somebody needs to smack this boy upside the head and try to let him know exactly how bad he’s screwing up. The name Theo Fleury comes to mind.

But if I were Stan Bowman, I would have the kid and his agent in for a little chat. The phrase “breach of contract” would be used. I’d also put Kane on the buddy system for his travels around town— whether he liked it or not, shit: whether he knew about it or not! If I had invested that kind of money in a 22-year-old kid, he would not be pissing it away on some skeezy bar trash.

Plus, Stan would really just be protecting Kaner from himself. Honestly, we’ve seen the kid in interviews, we know what his level of intellect is. I’d be surprised if he could find his own ass with two hands and a flashlight. It’s not like he’s got a career as a rocket scientist after his NHL days are over. He’d better have a good accountant now, because nobody’s going to be asking for his resume once he hangs ‘em up. The longer he can skate, the better chance he’s not going to end up hocking that Stanley Cup ring later in life to keep the F-150 from getting repossessed.

So Kaner, here’s some unsolicited advice from somebody old enough to be your father: keep it in your pants unless you’ve known the girl for at least a month; be more careful about your choice of evening companionship; put your career ahead of your Johnson for the next 15 years; and go easy on the suds, kid. You’ve got the whole rest of your life to get hammered and wallpaper the closet. Next time you get horny, look at your bank account.

That would make me hose down half the room right there…

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  • Bob

    So how many ‘heads’ dose Kane get?

  • Cody

    Oh Kaner…

    Are you guys going to do a season review of Toews? I’ve been waiting for that for like 4 days

    • http://blackhawkup.com Bartl

      @Cody – It’s coming. I was putting the finishing touches on it yesterday and this this story came out and Tim wanted to do something on it. Didn’t want to take away from that. Here’s a hint: I plan on tapping into Toews’ mind…

  • billy bouy

    Yeah little Bowman should have no problem sitting down with him and giving him a little talk…given it was he who Kaners parents approved to go live with, and in his basement during his rookie season. Guess he didnt get too much fatherly advice while residing there. Word is (local bartenders) he’s also quite the coke ho too. Whateva dude—but tell your mommy to quit praying her rosary for you during hockey games here at the UC..she needs to save her prayers for his off ice behavior—much more dangerous.

    Maybe the Hawks could give him a Veteran to mentor him some–oh gee, they tried that with John Madden in Vancouver. Maybe his real parents, not his hockey parents or Assistant GM parents should give the kid some facts of life lessons.

  • Trax

    This article was written by a bored jerk (someone who when they die, sees somebody else’s life flash in front of their eyes instead of their own) who is only worried about the quality of his own free time and that is 100% wrapped up in what sports teams win so his bandwagon stays comfortable. Get off your high horse a@@hole. You over estimate your freaking importance if you think you know Kane that much to post about him. Where does happy horsesh*t end (ie. the incessant and never ending drama that surrounds others making their own value system the only viable alternative on the planet)? Is your knowledge of anything “real” about the game, that null and void? I’ll bet if I mention “cycle” you think “Tour De Indiana” (on Versus late late night) huh? If I mention a “tight turn”, you reflect on the parking spaces at WalMart right? Get over yourself!!

  • Taylor

    Your rant is ridiculous. Kane’s actions are no different than any 22 year old in a frat house. If you think he’s bad, focus on some athletes with real problems (i.e. Vick, Bryant, etc.)

    Also, how the hell does this look bad on his part? He had sex just like every other guy on that team (including Saint Toews). The woman he slept with is obviously the unstable one as she ravaged through his personal belongings trying to find proof that someone remotely famous would touch her. That’s crazy.

  • Get a life

    So basically this is coming from some un-athletic nerd, who has yet you touch a girls vagina, and you want Patrick Kane to stay locked up at home because you think some girl is going to cut his achilles because she likes Pavel Datsyuk? Jesus Christ buddy you are fucking retarded. How unrealistic is that bogus scenario you come up with while smoke crack? So fucking stupid. In the history of sports and athletes hooking up with random girls, how many times have you heard of a female cut the achilles of a pro athlete(or even amateur for that matter)? How about use your head before speaking you fuck stick. He has a better chance of getting mugged and murdered in the dirty criminal town of Chicago then he does getting his achilles cut in your delusional fantasy. So should he not walk outside now? Good damn, your so stupid I want to even knock your mother out for birthing such a buffoon.

  • Bob

    Looks like Kane and is spoiled ass posse don’t like your comments, no matter how on the spot they are.

  • BaiXiong

    I agree that he is allowed to have his freedom. Hell, if I was getting his paycheck and publicity I would flaunt it when I was his age. But he is in the public eye, and his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everyone know about all his little events. Additionally, he has no idea about safety. Does he want to be a father right now? Does he want to end up with HIV? Too many things that could go wrong.

  • Patrick

    Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Truer words were never spoken.

    The reaction on this board is crazy – it’s the difference between people who have been there before (you, me, others in Gen X, etc – and who are trying to give advice so mistakes are avoided) and people who think they’re entitled to be reckless. I suppose they can be, but when you’re “something larger than yourself”, you live under a different scrutiny and expectations than the rest of us and you have to mature a little faster. If you don’t want to do it, don’t take the team’s money.

    I don’t begrudge Patrick Kane his occasional dalliance or celebration, but don’t “tempt fate”, and be prepared to live with the consequences if something should go wrong. And if it does go wrong, you will let down more than yourself, and a lot of those “buddies and babes” that you have will be long gone.

  • Cody

    Still waiting for the review of Toews…. Getting impatient

    • Jerry Kayne

      The kids was raised by junior hockey coaches and spent all his time with kids with no boundaries. It’s no wonder he’s got a little white trash in his behavior. You’re darn tootin’ he needs a down-to-earth mentor or we’ll be reading about him next in High Times (is that still a magazine?). I’m old.

  • JohnnyToews

    you’re joking with me right?I’d tap that piece in the back of the limo you pussies…wat to go Kaner!

  • E

    that’s chick so hot, i’m sure he didn’t care about any crazy.

  • Pete

    Fuck u dickHead GEt off kanes nuts you fucking phsyco pussy