Offensive Bolt: Blackhawks 4, Lightning 0

That’s more like it, fellas. The struggling Tampa Bay Lightning were exactly the cure for the Blackhawks’ offensive woes. Each member of the Superman Line scored and Ben Eager missed a Gordie Howe Hat Trick by an assist in the ‘Hawks 4-0 victory. Can you believe this was the Blackhawks first regulation victory since the San Jose game?

We’ll make this short and sweet tonight.

The Dominating:

• Antti Niemi made 18 saves and recorded his third shutout of the season. He’s 6-1-1 on the season and making that backup goal battle in camp with Corey Crawford look like a joke. And no, meatballs, there’s no goalie controversy. I can hear you idiots calling for the change. Stop it.

• Brent Seabrook played a hell of a game tonight with two assists, Brent Sopel and Duncan Keith also had assists and the blue-liners played their asses off overall. The opposition averaging six shots per period is pretty damn good.

• Jonathan Toews notched his 10th goal of the season and even went a little nuts after getting hit (more on that later).

The Beautiful:

• Marian Hossa’s goal was another to add to highlight real this season for members of the Superman Line. He grabbed the puck out of mid air, dropped it, then whacked it before it hit the ground and past Antero Niittymaki. In his post-game interview, Hossa said “it was just lucky.” Well, sorry Marian, but my ass. I adore your humbleness, but your ridiculous skill is what I admire most, and that took a lot of it.

• Speaking of Niittymaki, he made one hell of a save toward the end of the game. Even though the outcome was written in stone at that point, the effort itself was amazing. The meatballs were shouting for at least a review of the play, but the puck has to fully cross the goal line. This isn’t football, idiots. Niittymaki reached behind him after the puck trickled toward the net and knocked it away with his stick as the puck was sitting on the line. Very nice.

The Disheartening:

• Patrick Kane went down after scoring his first-period goal when Matt Smaby tripped him. Kane hit the side of his head on the ice and left the game bloody and woozy. We’ll await word, but if it’s a concussion, Kaner might miss Wednesday’s game against St. Louis due to the league-mandated time he must sit if experiencing symptoms.

Three Cocksucks of the Night:

• Smaby. He hit Toews high, knocked Kaner out of the game and showed a level of douchebaggery I didn’t even know was possible. I hope he catches a cold and develops pneumonia.

• Todd Fedoruk. This asshole took a run at Niemi late in the game for no reason other than the fact that he’s a cocksucker. Then, after he was pulled from the pile that ensued, he skated past Niemi and flipped his mask up because he’s a piece of shit. I hope he develops an extreme case of athlete’s foot that causes his big toe to be amputated.

• Jim Belushi. Just drop the damn puck already you no-talent, non-contributing zero. You’re not funny, and for whatever reason you continue to be associated with Chicago sports and there are a lot of people other than me getting sick of seeing you. I hope the bartender accidentally serves you a glass of bull piss tonight.

Go ‘Hawks and stuff!

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