Recapping ‘Hawks vs. Sharks season series — The Big Lebowski style

I’m really getting sick of this whole “Big Pavelski” thing. Just because his name ends in “ski” we have to refer him to one of the most quotable movies of this generation? Personally, he doesn’t deserve it. Not many do. Are we going to start a “The Big Kopecky” nickname because of how it sounds? That’s just stupid.

To show my dissatisfaction, I’ve decided to recap the four regular season games between the Blackhawks and Sharks by referencing quotes from The Big Lebowski. The ‘Hawks took three of four. Let’s see how much Sharks fans like the movie after this.

At Chicago, November 15: Blackhawks 4, Sharks 3 (OT)

No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there’s nothing to be afraid of. These men are cowards.

The Blackhawks fell behind 3-1 early in the second period when  Jason Demers and  Patrick Marleau scored 45 seconds apart within the first two minutes. Yet, there didn’t seem to be much concern. The ‘Hawks had won the previous six games at the United Center and the Sharks were coming off a shootout loss at Dallas in which they’d blown a two-goal lead.

Patrick Kane scored his seventh of the season, then  John Madden tied the game with 1:19 left in the second period. After a scoreless third period, Brent Seabrook happened 41 seconds into overtime:

At San Jose, November 25: Blackhawks 7, Sharks 2

What’s this day of rest shit? What’s this bullshit? I don’t fuckin’ care! It don’t matter to Jesus. But you’re not foolin’ me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don’t fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man – ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

The Black Wednesday Massacre. Marian Hossa scored two goals in his Blackhawks debut, and the ‘Hawks were up 3-0 with three short-handed goals midway through the second period. They were up 7-0 before the Sharks even realized the game started.

This was supposed to be an indicator game. Could the Blackhawks beat the league’s points leader, which is nearly invincible in The Shark Tank, in the midst of the annual Circus Trip while facing a goaltender who had given up less than two goals per game over his last six?

Ha, don’t fuck with the Jesus. The ‘Hawks destroyed San Jose and proved they were among the NHL’s elite for those who hadn’t quite bought into the product.

At Chicago, December 22: Sharks 3, Blackhawks 2

Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don’t like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behavior, and I don’t like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?

The Blackhawks domination of the Sharks continued — except this time, San Jose simply laughed it off. After the Sharks victory in which they were outshot 47-14, my dislike for them reached a heightened level and I just wanted them to get the hell out of town.

The ‘Hawks threw their best punch all game, and the Sharks — namely Evgeni Nabokov — brushed it off. It was the Sharks revenge and showed the ‘Hawks, “Hey, we’ll stand up to everything you’ve got and be right here waiting for you at the end.”

At San Jose, January 28: Blackhawks 4, Sharks 3 (OT)

Lebowski: Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Is that what makes a man?
Dude: Hmmm… Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

The Blackhawks couldn’t quite take hold of first place in the Western Conference because of the overtime victory, but this win took balls. They went up 3-0 and were on their way to replicating the Black Wednesday Massacre. Then, just as they did back in Chicago in December, the Sharks took the punch and came back fighting.

San Jose chipped away with late goals in the first and second period, then finally tied the game five minutes into the third on Manny Malhotra’s goal and seemed destined to steal the game.

The ‘Hawks responded by fighting off the Sharks through the last 15 minutes of the third and finally won the game 1:56 into overtime on Troy Brouwer’s beautiful wrister.

___

The ‘Hawks and Sharks get set to do battle at 2 p.m. Sunday in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals — a series which could end with these two teams beginning  a rivalry. There’s enough talent on both sides for this to be a preview of future conference finals showdowns.

Here’s to you, Sharks:

You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we’re gonna fuck you up.

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