Blue Jacket Bashing: BlackhawkUp and Fire That Cannon Exchange Blows


Far be it from a Blackhawks’ fan to back down from a fight. So when Mary O’Malley, lead writer at the Fansided Network’s Fire That Cannon blog came knocking, I wasn’t about to let her walk away.

After all, she’s not just a Columbus Blue Jackets fan, she’s a GIRL!

So we shot a few e-mails back and forth, and here’s the result.

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BlackhawkUp: We would be remiss if we didn’t congratulate you: last year was the Blue Jackets’ 10th season in the NHL! And you’ve come a long way since then. I mean, a couple of times you actually finished higher than 13th in the Conference!

Fire That Cannon: Wasn’t too long ago that the United Center had less people in it than the local Giordano’s Pizza Restaurant. Be careful where you throw stones. But congratulations to you too on winning the Stanley Cup last season. Must have been a very proud moment for you as a fan to finally have the 49 year drought end.   That being said, seems like your young roster is playing as though they are the definition of Stanley Cup Hangover? True?

BHU: I actually think Patrick Kane only stopped drinking shortly after Christmas. The younger guys got thrown to the wolves very early on: some rose to the challenge, and some were named Jack Skille. You see what happened to him — traded to the Toledo Mud-Hens.

FTC: Was it really necessary to spend all that money on players and buy a Stanley Cup, then trade half of your roster away and return to mediocrity?

BHU: The thing few realize about the Blackhawks team from last year is, 11 of our roster regulars were drafted by US. Everybody talks about us buying the Cup, that’s simply not true. We bought the refs. Much more cost-effective. But speaking of rosters, somebody told me recently that the Columbus roster includes players *other* than Rick Nash. I told him that was crap, they would have shown up on the score sheets.

FTC: Show up on score sheets? How many goals does Fernando Pisani have? How many goals has Marty Turco given up at the wrong time? And lets not even talk about your team defense which seems to be, um, soft. On top if it and while it turned out ok in the end, their play this year has caused your head coach to have an ulcer and be hospitalized.

BHU: Yes, Coach Q has had some health problems that last couple of days. We’re all wishing him well. Rumor was he heard that Giordano’s Pizza was filing for bankruptcy, and his digestive system started a cold re-boot almost immediately. Tragic. Now as we’re talking about health problems, on Thursday the Blue Jackets announced that Derick Brassard was being placed on injured reserve. Now, I’d have to review my rule book, but I don’t think the NHL allows you to place the guy who washes jock straps on IR. Does the team expect to get fined?

FTC: At least we have jock straps to wash. The way you guys have been playing sometimes I think you’re using tampons. Pads, even. Old school with the pins and belts… I’ll send you dudes some Playtex with applicators…

BHU: The Blue Jackets have tried to establish themselves as a defensive team, so it’s reasonable to expect that they are in the bottom third of the league in goals scored. But it turns out you suck at being a defensive team too: you’re in the bottom third in goals against! You’re bottom third in power play conversions, you’re bottom third in penalty killing. All is not lost, however: you have a *hell* of a Zamboni driver.

FTC: Your anthem singer is one of the best in the game, however so far this year your home record is well, um, crappy at best. Oh, let me remind you that you’ve already lost as many games as last year, and we still have about 25 more to go. And what on earth will you do if you don’t make the playoffs this year?

BHU: What will we do? This is Chicago! We’ll drink! Derr…

FTC: So the indian head logo seems to get tons of praise as being the best logo in sports, so I’m told. Lots of pressure for a team that has only 4 championships in it’s history? Your third jersey looks like a candy bar wrapper, as well. But, we have an ugly third…we’re even.

BHU: Chief Blackhawk is, as legend goes, one of the best and most recognizable logos in sports. I didn’t really appreciate that until I could afford my first honest-to-goodness jersey. The minute I put that on, I understood. It’s phenomenal. And yes, we look like the Skating Snickers Bars when we put the third jerseys on. And, accordingly, by the third period we start to melt.

Now, the sport of hockey has seen some unusual names float in and out of it over the years, but one player on your team takes the cake: Clitsome. How your TV and radio announcers say his name without cracking dirty jokes on the air is a mystery.

FTC: At least it’s someone to get excited about, in all the right places… They call him “Get-some Clitsome.” If you must know…you’re probably jealous…

BHU: Last time the Blackhawks played Columbus, the Hawks cranked in 4 unanswered goals, chased Blue Jackets goalie Steve Mason after two periods, and ended up winning 7 – 4. After that game we heard reports that Mason’s bra strap was too tight, was that in fact the case?

FTC: The lad has Mason-Golden Nights, as you’ve seen and lower case mase nights…must have been one of your Hawks lost a pad near the net…shook the boy up real bad…If you Hawks wouldn’t rag so much… And oh my God, Chelsea Dagger after every goal? Yea last year it was fun, now? I’m thinking you need a different tune, maybe Panic-Switch by Silversun Pickups.

BHU: Yeah, f—ing Dale Tallon bought the rights to that damn song before he left town. So now not only are we stuck with Huet’s contract, but every time we score we have to send a royalty check to that lazy bastard. Hope you shank it into the woods, there, Gilligan… And on your end, holy crap: what the *hell* is with the stupid cannon? You guys overcompensating for something?


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